Changing with Chiari

   I never knew life would take me down this journey. I thought I was some what like everyone else and keep going know matter what life throw at me. I would not say my life has been easy and a lot of the time I was mad because of it but I kept going. Kept taking one step forward but holding a little bit of what ever was eating away at me with me. Some say I’m the same old Heather I’ve always been but there wrong, I’ve changed and grown more then most will ever know and more will ever want to understand.

   I’m me first and then I’m sick but it was not always like that. Before the surgery I was sick and that was all, mostly because of how physically sick I was and a part was because I could not would not understand. I could not let it be what it was. I never could and some times I still can’t. It did not change until sometime after the surgery when I was so negative and just beat down. Nothing was going right, my mirage, my social life, my health and most of all me, I was not right. So I thought…..
  
   We all deal with thing differently. I was 18 years old and met the man of my dreams he had a tattoo, road a motorcycle and was a very “bad boy”. Everything I ever want to get out and escape. I moved with him to Washington and was living on my own (I had all I wanted). Ha!!!!! Things changed very quickly and I got pregnant and was not fun any more. Things got bad fast but I still loved him. They got so bad I had to leave him and move back home to my parents in California our daughter was born in June and he died in March. I kept going forward with my beautiful girl but he came with me.. All my anger and sadness all of it came with us for 14 years. Until after my surgery.

   I can’t tell you how it happened but after my surgery I was not angry anymore, I was sad, very very sad but not angry. I just let it go- I cried a lot after my surgery and some was from what I didn’t before and some was what it was doing to everyone around me but a lot of it was I mourned after my brain surgery. That’s the only way I can describe it but it was not because I was dead I felt different more alive and I had to mourn for my life that was because it would never be the same. Just like I had to mourn for my daughters father. Sometimes I still cry and so I cry.

   Brain surgery is not just a surgery that is done and you move on this is a step by step healing process. It’s harder for us cause it feels like it’s never gona end and we want to scream “give me just one break”. We are here and get to enjoy just a piece of a beautiful world and life. You are the only person who gets to decide how your gona live your life but me I’m filling my life with as much love as I can, then I’m giving it all to you. Yep that’s right you all get it because if I get low I’ll just fill it back up, that’s why we survived right? So we can enjoy what we want too out of life!

   Well that’s just my thought on it, I am just one Chiarian who in reality would love to sit in a circle and sing a song with all of you then do anything else!!!!
   I send you all my love and all my support, always